God's Refinement

A flurry of wonderful activity has happened over the last several days. We have waited 9 weeks for good news, and we finally got some - in droves...

Beginning Saturday, we began praying for Asher's dad. He had to board a bus for a 2-day bus ride to the capital for the final leg of his part in our journey... the last hurdle to bringing home our son. Because we know this was a long and difficult journey for this man and that he was giving up so much, both emotionally and physically, we kept reflecting on the sacrifice he was making, not putting undue pressure on him to show! We knew He who had set about to do a good work in not only us but Asher's dad also, was going to see that it was complete. We had peace that Asher's dad would show for his US Embassy appointment on Monday, August 19. We prayed that God would begin to heal his heart through this one, last selfless act and this act would touch him always. He could have taken the easy route so many take by just letting his son go out into the world, turn his back, and abandon him; however, God convicted this father to take the hard route by giving up his son, so that he could be in our family. Humbled to be a part of God's convictions and be able to see that God cut a perfect path for us to Asher, however this path may look from the outside :)

Asher's dad showed on Monday, and the embassy cleared our case while we were sleeping Monday night. What a joyous and amazing email to wake up to - AWESOME! We had waited 9 long weeks to hear, "Holwerda Family, your adoption case for Ashagre John Holwerda has cleared!" We submitted 3 dates in which to go back to Ethiopia for our visa appointment with the US Embassy; however, we submitted these dates about 90 minutes before the embassy closed for the day (they are 7 hours ahead of us), so we didn;t think we would hear anything until the next day. We heard back 30 minutes later with our first choice of dates - PTL! WOW! We leave Sept. 9 for a Sept. 12 visa interview and will make it home on Sept. 14. That is 20 days away. To say that we are over the moon excited is an understatement! AHHHHHHH... I may have danced, cried, shaken a little and shrieked a few times aloud. Asher is going to be home on Sept. 14... the perfect path cut just for us to Asher - humbling!

And, just like that, the "labor pains" of the wait, challenges on this journey, the tears, the extra unexpected loss of money to change direction, the fears over ever getting our son home, the 9 weeks in between trips to hear anything, blah, blah, blah, have all melted away into JOY, JOY, JOY!!

I wish I could blog while I run, because I really feel like God speaks to me in that alone time, when I am an open vessel. I set my praise music on low, and I popcorn pray for whatever or whoever comes into my head and into my heart, and God really speaks to me about lessons I need to learn or scripture I need to turn to for strength or in time of need or to praise Him with. Needless to say, I love my time running! This is what I got out of my run with God today...

Being in the "wait" is being in the fire - God's refinement! It is to make us better Christians, brighter lights and more faithful servants in God's Kingdom. We need to be MORE than when we started the adoption process to bring HIS chosen into our families. When we get to this point, God completes that good work He set about to do in us! I am overjoyed that we are so close to getting Asher home, that the process can end, but the lessons God taught us are now going to be put into action with our son, as our family grows and changes around him and with him in it. I am even more joyful that, in the last 2 years of this journey of adoption, our family has been refined. We have been made new in Him. We have grown in our faith. We have become brighter lights. We have served more of God's kingdom than if we hadn't ever been in that fire! That is JOY - Joy in the Lord! He delights in us, and we can honestly say, we have delighted in Him for who He is and for what He has done and will continue to do in us, through us, and because Asher is a part of our family!

Thank you, thank you, thank you, God! Thank you to all of you praying for us, over us, and around us, sending encouraging words, financially supporting us, loving us, letting us cry on your shoulder, supporting us physically, emotionally and spiritually! It has been a beautiful picture to us of God's hands and feet :) Thank you.

Blessings!

We Are Up and Then, Just Like That, We Are Down

Last week, we got submitted to the US Embassy to process Asher's paperwork to become an official American citizen. We were so thrilled that the investigation of our case had ended as quickly as it did. We were elated!! For the first time since we came home from Ethiopia the end of June - 6 weeks ago - I felt like I could picture Asher in our home: playing with toys I had kept out for him, playing basketball and soccer with the boys in the front yard, learning how to ride a bike, jumping on the trampoline, sitting at the table in the 6th-seat that has been vacant at our table for as long as we have had our dining room set, running around with our dog, doing summer things with the family before the back-to-school mayhem, etc. etc. I also felt like we could move forward with getting his room ready for him to come home to. I have dreaded putting together Asher's room for fear it will sit empty and be a constant reminder of our little peanut half way across the world NOT with us... a painful reminder.

We found out this week that the US Embassy in Ethiopia is back-logged and short-staffed right now, which means that paperwork processing has slowed way down. We are, again, in a holding-pattern with our journey to Asher. Ugh! It has been so challenging to go from such high highs and then fall to such low lows. This has truly been the most crazy emotional rollercoaster, sometimes, I think, not for the faint of heart!

We are as patient as we can be. We KNOW God's timing is perfect for both Asher and us. We get the fact that we signed on for a jounrey that wouldn't be smooth at all times, but, that doesn't mean that we like this one bit... this new low! We have asked the "Why us/Why Asher" questions. We pray fervently, not only for our case, but also for so many others stuck like us. We know the end result will be amazing, but it still aches right down to our cores, when these set backs happen!!!

We are waiting for the US Embassy to schedule a parent interview appointment. This is the Embassy's investigation into whether or not Asher is indeed an orphan and can be sent to the US with us in good faith, with the proper citizenship paperwork. We understand that this thoroughness is necessary, but this is just another hoop that delays us from our son, so we don't have to like it. We are looking at at least another month at best before we can hope to go back to Ethiopia. When we were in Ethiopia just 6 weeks ago, we thought Asher would be home this week or the next week! Oh how things can change.

I read a blog on Facebook today that helped put this whole wait in perspective for me to help you understand what we are going through  (here are just 4 points that I really think sum up this wait for our family)...

It is entitled: Dear Friends of Waiting Adoptive Moms -- Some Things to Know (To see the rest of the blog, go to: http://wondermentetc.com/)

-- She loves a child she's never met...

It’s possible. So possible. It’s irrational and crazy, but it’s reality. Does she love them like she will once she gets to know them? No. But she loves them. She wakes up loving them and goes to sleep loving them. She drives to the grocery story and aches to have them safe and snug in the backseat waiting for them. She pushes her cart around the store and hears a child cry and her heart pounds wondering if her child is crying? Alone? Hungry? She might even have to leave an entire grocery cart full of food in the yogurt aisle to go home and cry because it just is too hard. Way too hard.  (Tru dat... This has happened to me - sorry Meijer employees that you had to put my full cart away!)

-- Her child has been through trauma...

If she’s like a lot of moms she won’t be advertising that fact everywhere because she respects her child’s privacy. But children don’t come to the place of needing a second family because they were placed in a cabbage patch by unicorns and leprechauns. Adoption comes from loss. Loss she will see in her child’s eyes and in their heart. Loss that as a mama can make your soul curl up in a ball for an ugly cry. So don’t tell her the kids are lucky. You wouldn’t tell a person who lost an arm that they’re lucky to have a prosthetic one would you? I mean yeah, they are lucky to have that replacement. But you know what would be luckier? Not losing that arm in the first place. So please be understanding. Also, maybe instead of asking for her child’s story outright ask “are you sharing about his history before you?” That gives her a chance to either answer you or bow out graciously. (The loss part just makes me weep!)

-- She isn't sure they are coming home...

This is the part of the adoption process that makes you want to crawl under your bed and not come out until it’s safe again. This is the part that tears your soul in two. This is the part that you wake up in the morning remembering and going to bed at night fearing. Because there are no guarantees. And that’s hard. No, not hard. It’s gut-wrenching. It’s not just the fear that your child might die before having a family, it’s that this child you love with every ounce of your being might grow up in an orphanage, on the streets, or worse.

-- She looks brave on the outside; she's brave on the inside, too, but she is also a mess...

Which, I think is what mothering and loving is all about. Being a mess. Throwing your love out there and not knowing if you’re ever going to get it back. It’s scary. It’s vulnerable. It feels like you can’t breathe and when you can it hurts to do it. And you don’t want to complain about that because you picked it. So you pick up the pieces of your heart and you keep going. You keep going because at the end of the day what you go through as an adoptive mother is nothing compared to what children go through when they live their life without family. And that’s what this journey is all about.

The highs are amazing, dazzling, miraculous and blessed, but the lows are very challenging and difficult to handle some days! I love a child who is not here, in my arms, and I have nooooo idea when he will be in my arms! This child has been through trauma of the likes of which no child should have to go through, and, as his mom, I can't do anything to help him through it right now and have no idea who is holding him or wiping his tears. It is hard to believe sometimes, with all of our set backs and lows in this journey, that Asher will ever come home. Keeping up the facade of bravery and cheer and strength each day to everyone I know, including our 3 boys, has really wrecked me some days. Is adoption for the faint of heart? I would have to say no, BUT, if God calls you to this, He WILL bring you through it. I know I could not do this alone :) God changes your "faint" heart into one of strength and evolution and love and so much more, when you sign on to love one of His children in this way, but it is not an easy road - awesome road, just not easy!

We WILL be united with Asher soon. We just need to wait for that blessed event a little while longer. We love you, sweet boy!!!

Blessings!